i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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