I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
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