I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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