I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
