dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
