"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
