In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
