I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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