I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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