I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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