Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
false alarm. still invincible.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
