I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I look better un-naked...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
