I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.