I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"