life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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