I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
