party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
