My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
