We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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