new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
