i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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