Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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