I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i've created a new STD.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
