no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
