I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
