i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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