i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
