If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so let's talk penis.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
