He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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