the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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