Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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