at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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