Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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