If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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