Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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