i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.