Sry I called you an 8
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
