dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
