Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just invented taco cereal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
