why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
