dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
