The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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