I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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