If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
