Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
