I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
