my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
