that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
