I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
