Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
