wakey wakey hands off snakey
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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