tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
