Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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