When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
