finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
