my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
