I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
