I'm jealous of your bromance
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
